Monday, April 16, 2012

Change your mind! Ok, I will.

I have been struggling with what it means to be me lately. I do not like most of what I see. So, in the words of the poster in the youth room growing up Baby Philosophy: If something stinks, change it. I don't know why I remember that poster so clearly, but I do. I don't like the direction my career is going, I mean I like my position currently, but it is only a few hours a week. I need more.

I don't like my physical appearance, so it is time to change that too. I don't have as much issue with what or how much I eat, it is the lack of activity. I am going to begin exercising more and getting out and being more active.

Failing at goals always seems to haunt me, so I am going to chunk the goals into manageable pieces. For instance, I want to lose 60 pounds. That WILL NOT happen overnight. I am going to break that down into the fact that by June 1st my goal is 20 pounds. I will reset the goal once June 1st hits to incorporate the next 20, or if it is too much to expect 20 by June 1st it may be that my next goal is only 15 pounds.

Another goal of mine is to deal with the scars a little better. Internal scars are the worst. Only you know they are there and trying to articulate what they are is almost impossible. People may know what has caused the emotional scars, but to truly understand the effects, I think is impossible. The scars are there for a reason and I want them to eventually be reminders of where I never want to be again, but I want the pain to be lessened.

I don't know where I am headed, but I can't continue to stay still. I don't like who I am, and I know that isn't good. So here is a list of my current goals followed by a soundtrack for the post!

1. Have a better relationship with God.
2. Weed out those who only bring me down.
3. Have a better self-image
4. Further my education.
5. Lose weight to better achieve #3.
6. Listen to those who love me and understand that no matter what I do some will not.
7. Be more active (even if it isn't weight loss related, just do more!)

And now for the playlist (it's short):

And a bonus video of a song I cannot get out of my head:

Thursday, April 12, 2012

I suppose I can be hurt by inaccurate accusations

I attended the funeral for my son's great grandmother yesterday. I was trying to show support for my son, and well got slapped in the face for it. I was accused of saying something that I did not say, and the things I did say got twisted. See people "overheard" a conversation and assumed it was directed at my ex-husband. Well, what I said about "Big ole" tears was not related to HIM at all. It was related to a mutual friend of the person I was speaking to. I have said many times that the reason Chris is being so difficult is because he IS hurting and sad. I have also said grief doesn't give someone the license to be mean to another person, but NEVER that the hurt was fake. I will admit on several occasions I have said he is superficial, which he is, but he hurts too, and that is almost NEVER superficial with him.

Other things were said that I apparently said, and well, they were condensed and put into someone elses words and what I actually said got twisted. I would never disrespect a person's grief or time of grief in that way. I answered some questions about why he was mad and clarified some of the things he has said to me, but NEVER once said he didn't take care of Reid. What I did say was I was doing my best to take care of him and that he had issue with certain things that were out of my control. I cited examples of what I had done, but never said he did anything. When asked about the child support thing, I did answer that he thought he didn't have to pay because of 50/50 time, but I keep getting Reid when it isn't his time, then when I have plans I get accused of not wanting my child with me. I have cited that Reid can be with me anytime, because there is NOTHING I do that he cannot be present. I don't need time to go to the movies/ out partying/ etc. without my son.

Nonetheless, I should have acted dumb, and said "I have no idea why he is mad" and I should have answered the question about the other friend differently. If I had known my words would get so twisted, I would have.

What hurts the most is that some people have NOTHING better to do than to cause drama at a funeral. People need to get a life. If they heard part of the conversation and thought I said those things, why not confront ME? Why wait and take it to someone who is hurting? I guess some people don't think they need to do the right thing, they feel the need for the DRAMATIC.

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Confessions: I can't be hurt by accusations

Let me preface this by saying if you are going to use any of the information here to hurt me or run your mouth to someone who may not know, STOP READING now. But this is a public blog, you say? Yes, it is, but there are people in my life who will not have access to it, and I would like to protect them and keep it as information they do not know. (Grandmothers for instance, who are too old to deal with it, so keep it to yourself).

After my post yesterday, Chris threatened to expose me for the mistakes I have made. If any of you are perfect STOP READING NOW. I have never met anyone who has never made a mistake, so if it changes how you feel about me, well, you were never a true friend to begin with. I will go accusation by accusation and explain what I can.

Accusation 1. I am a total bitch/ psychopath. Yeah, maybe a bitch, but psychopath, NO! I do have issues with anger management, but I am dealing with them. If I were a psychopath, I would have become a serial killer by now. I would have killed those who enraged me. I have no literal skeletons anywhere. I could not take the life of another. I do see a therapist, but my diagnosis is PTSD and chronic depressive state with anxiety disorder.

Accusation 2. I am mentally unstable. Well, that is a half-truth. Chris' assumption is that I am bipolar, but my therapist says that I'm not. Who do you think is more qualified to make that diagnosis? See diagnosis above, bipolar disorder has never been discussed. I was afraid of that being the diagnosis years ago, but the psychologist I was seeing assured me that this was not the case. The PTSD is a direct result of being in an emotionally/ psychologically/ sexually abusive relationship with Chris. The sexual abuse was NOT aggressive rape, but sexual manipulation, which lends to the psychological abuse, and the emotional abuse was a part of that too. I had the power to get out a long time ago, and didn't. That is my fault. The chronic depressive state/ anxiety disorder is also linked to the PTSD. I am working on this in therapy and currently on medication. So, sure, I am mentally ill, but I recognize it and am getting treatment.

Accusation 3. I was dating my boyfriend before I separated from Chris. Well, you see that is impossible. I did not meet him until 10 days AFTER Chris finally moved out. FYI he was asked to leave 13 days before he finally left, he just wouldn't go. You are welcome to check phone/ computer records. I really don't mind. You will see the first contact by phone/ computer was not until 16 days after Chris moved out. So, I don't see how I was dating someone I had never spoken to before then. I met him one Friday, no numbers were exchanged, he asked me to return the following Friday, I did, we exchanged numbers that night, and my life drastically improved after that.

Accusation 4. I have had nasty fights with my family. Yep, were they all someone's fault other than mine? NOPE. Were they all my fault? NOPE. Are we family and worked things out? YEP. Is it anyone's business but my family? NOPE. Is it the reason Reid is in therapy? Partially. He has always exhibited high anxiety, which increased after the separation and again after family fights. Would he be in therapy without the fights? YEP.

Accusation 5. I am a criminal. HMMMMM another half truth. This is the one I am least proud of. I have had a couple of arrests. Did they ALL result in conviction, NOPE. Do they hinder my job search, YEP. Were they all in direct response to something CHRIS said or did? YEP. Were they my fault. Well, to some extent. I made the decisions to say or do things that resulted in arrests, but with the PTSD/ Anxiety/ Anger management troubles, I was under a great deal of stress, and reacted in ways I normally wouldn't. So, I am not perfect. I have never spent more than one night in jail and no charges could have ever resulted in ACTUAL jail time. They were all the lowest class of misdemeanors and it isn't even possible to serve jail time with no more arrests then I have.

Accusation 6. I have spent time in a mental institution. NOPE. I went to Charter Pines after the first time Chris cheated on me to find someone to talk to. I had no insurance, and wasn't sure what to do. They wanted me to stay OVERNIGHT for observation because I was so distraught. They released me without an overnight stay when I agreed NOT to go home to CHRIS. They suggested I see a therapist in my area and gave me a list of places to call with sliding fee scales. They also suggested a REEVALUATION of my MARRIAGE. HMMMMM, sounds like even then I should have left him. Oh well.

So now you know all my dirty little secrets. Does it change who I am inside? NOPE. Does it shape what my goals are? YEP. Comments are welcome, but remember I have exposed my innermost secrets, be gentle.

Monday, April 9, 2012

Am I wrong? A single mother's questions.

I was going to save this for when he isn't grieving, but I am so angry right now, that I must get some things off my chest.

First, what gives a parent a right to seek child support? My ex husband thinks I am not entitled to child support because we share custody. Well, sort of share. I have Reid Monday night through Thursday night except when Chris has something better to do. Since February 2 Chris has not gotten his son for one reason or another on 4 separate occasions. Twice it was for drill, except for the fact one of those drills he did not attend. I should say that the weekend he didn't attend drill as scheduled, he got his son and immediately took him to a friend's house where he spent the whole weekend, and Chris was at home. I also got medicaid on him so he would have health coverage. I don't have a full time job and am doing the best I can with him. He buys shoes twice a year. Otherwise it falls on me to do most everything. Chris has gotten him to school late repeatedly (every Monday in January). But insists Reid is getting his education. When I call him on the tardiness, he argues that he is so far away. He is the one who set this schedule.

Second, he is now bragging that he made president's list at school. Well wtf else does he have to do? He doesn't have Reid on school nights, doesn't have a job and lives at mommy's house. I realize I too live with mom, but I at least have a desire to move. I can't right now. Most of that is because he never helps with stuff for Reid. I made dean's list while he was deployed. I worked full time, went to school and took care of our son full time. He was cheating on me and getting hurt playing soccer. Does he want a cookie for not having a job, kid, or other things to worry about and being able to study?

When he moved out he was still coming over 2 nights a week to watch Reid while I worked, using my power, water, internet, and watching my television. I was still paying his phone bill because it was attached to mine. He was paying the directv because it was automatic draft. BTW that was 118 a month when he moved his phone lines off my bill it dropped 125 a month, so the way I see it he was getting $7 a month plus eating my food, etc. I kept Reid every night until May when I first asked for child support. Then he suddenly had an interest in keeping him more than just the nights Tyler was there.

In a year's time he paid me a whopping $200 for things for Reid. Since this go 'round with child support he has begun paying me half of the expenses I have had for Reid such as clothing, scouts, baseball, glasses, etc. Great parenting.

Reid is 9 and has been up all night (til 730 am), til 1am on school nights, not fed by 3pm, slept til almost 430 once, all since being with his dad. Break out parent of the year award!

Am I wrong to ask for a little help? I have Reid at school on time, take him to doctor's appointments, baseball practice, scouts, and a host of other parental activities. He might show up at baseball if it doesn't interfere with his schedule. No, I don't need a pat on the back, I just want to say I am a parent I act as such. I get called out for not coming to Reid's practices when they are on Chris' "time". Who would want to be within 100 yards of him if it isn't necessary.

He is grieving right now because of the loss of his grandmother, but does this give him the right to behave this way? I really don't think so. He is now coming down on me for wanting to support my son and come to the funeral. My son needs support, I am the parent he typically relies on for support. He knows his dad is more of a friend than a parent. The funny thing is when Chris blows him off to drink, go to the movies, or pretend he has drill, Reid doesn't care as long as it isn't a Tyler weekend.

When I make plans for the weekend and Chris changes and wants Reid to stay I get accused of not wanting him with me if I have plans. I am usually able to add Reid to plans, but Chris thinks I am saying I don't want Reid there. Nope, I am just saying I cannot go on Chris' schedule.

Am I wrong for the way I feel? Am I wrong for not stopping Child Support Enforcement from seeking child support for me? Are these the actions of a good father? Constructive responses welcome. No name calling (me or him) please.

Sunday, April 8, 2012


I got very sad news this morning. My son's great-grandmother, Nell Swanson, took her final breath this morning. My son loves so many people unconditionally, and with all his heart, that not only did my heart break because, well, it is sad to lose someone you care about, but it is even harder to see your child in pain.

Who was "Maw-Maw Freck"? She was a Christian woman who loved her family and God and had very hard times in her life, but made the best of them. She was a mother of 6 and while some of the youngest of those six were still living at home she became a widow. I have heard her mention her sense of loss even after all these years when she speaks of Marshall, but I never remembering hearing her complain about becoming a young widow.

I know her parents died young, she never had a drivers license, and she worked in the local mill. She had a small two bedroom house, and how the heck she made it work with six kids, or produced six kids, I will never know.

She smiled and laughed and joked about being grumpy, and I suppose on many occasions she was. She loved her children, grandchildren, great grandchildren, and beyond. Was she perfect? Not anymore than you and me. But she was who she was. She was loved, adored, respected, and probably at times, disliked (moms are like that).

I think she would be very satisfied with passing on Easter. She loved God and going to church. Heck, she loved going anywhere. I used to laugh that for her not to have a car or license she sure was gone a lot. People would stop by just to see if she wanted to go somewhere with them, they were happy to take her shopping, or to appointments, or wherever she needed to go.

RIP Maw-Maw Freck. I will remember you fondly for the rest of my life.