Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Fighting this again

For those of you who do not know, I have an eating disorder. I have Binge eating disorder. While to many who don't fight this daily, it seems funny, let me tell you, it is far from funny. I have an addiction to chocolate. Not the cute chocolate addiction for those who love chocolate, I am a chocolate lover, but this is far worse. At the time of diagnosis I was eating 4 candy bars 2 chocolate cream filled doughnuts and a giant chocolate chip cookie every day, on top of regular meals, and sometimes Fudge Rounds. If there was a birthday party there was no substituting the cake/ ice cream, there was just adding it to my diet. I knew I had a problem when I threw a box of Fudge Rounds at Chris in K-Mart at 2 am because he said we had plenty of chocolate at home and I didn't need them. This is problem eating. I looked forward to only my daily Chocolate intake. It is a symptom of far worse depression, and I learned very quickly I had to get a handle on it. For almost 10 years now I have. I am currently losing my grip. I was very careful to monitor chocolate intake, and limit myself. I even went weeks at a time with little to no chocolate. That is changing very fast.

I recently changed therapists and my diagnosis has changed. I am now officially diagnosed as major depression with PTSD. Prior to the change I was officially diagnosed with non-specific depression, and my last therapist was considering the latest diagnosis before she left the outpatient facility I was attending. When she left I changed facilities, and got a new diagnosis, which I was not looking forward to having.

Many readers know the last year or so has been hell for me. I caught my ex-husband in yet another online fling which led to the separation and ultimately divorce. It was the best thing I could do considering all the hell I went through during our marriage with the online flings, feelings of inadequacies, etc. Maybe they were my fault maybe they were his, that is not to be decided here. Suffice it to say our marriage was rarely good due to things we both did wrong. I have learned from those wrongs I committed and brought those lessons into my current relationship. I also lost a job I dearly loved due to budget cuts, lost another due to qualification changes, and am losing the one I have due to lack of student attendance. These students never showed up once, so it really isn't my fault, but DANG can't a girl catch a break. I also lost my car and my home (luckily it was a rental) and now live with my parents and drive my dad's car. THIS IS NOT THE LIFE I WANTED.

Some things have gone well, such as I am deeply in love with my boyfriend, but if I don't stop telling him why I am such a piece of crap, I will probably eventually push him away. My son is thriving in his new school environment, and I am dealing with my issues. That brings me to what I am fighting.

I have noticed lately that I am finding every excuse under the sun to eat chocolate. I don't feel satisfied til I do and then I feel guilty once I do. That is the problem with binge eating disorder. There is a strong sense of shame once the eating commences again. Great!

I went to Overeaters Anonymous before, and may need to find a group again. The problem I am having with this is that I am finding every excuse as to why the meetings are not the right fit. Can't be away from the kid, may interfere with a job should I get one, less time with the boyfriend, late, Sunday, too far to drive, you know excuses. This is not a fight I feel I can fight again, but I also cannot afford to gain 60 pounds like before. I have recently lost 11 pounds and have about 50-60 to go, but I am not going to get there gorging myself on chocolate. I also don't want to go the opposite direction and wind up wit anorexia.

Right now I need prayer and guidance. I need strength to do what needs to be done and I need a break. On that note, I did notice that I did not crave chocolate this past weekend. I was relaxed and happy for a change. All that changed yesterday when I got back to reality and realized that I had lost my job AGAIN. This is going to be a tough battle and a long road. One never stops being addicted, one simply learns to deal with addiction and make better choices, the addiction can always come back and the battle begins again. It is an on-going war. Pray for me.