Sad Christmas

I am having a hard time being happy lately and it is really frustrating. I mean, I have it all. I am financially poor, but I have things money cannot buy. First, I have a son who loves me no matter what. I also have a stepson with that same quality. Each of them are happy to have presents for Christmas, but really don't care about gifts. They know that Christmas is much bigger than commercial products. They are happy when people buy them gifts because they know that people don't have to do that. I am surprised when people buy me gifts because I cannot figure out for the life of me why they would buy me something.

Speaking of not understanding why people do things for me. My self esteem is so low that I cannot figure out for the life of me  why people love me. I tell my reader this (yeah I said reader, I am pretty sure there is only one of you) because I just figured out that my husband loves me. Ok, you can laugh. I know I should have known this already. I mean we dated almost two years before HE proposed. We were engaged ten months and then got married. He makes sweet comments about being his wife 192 times a day and don't even get me started on how often he tells me he loves me. So, how did I not know??? I have no idea how anyone could love me. I told myself that he felt sorry for me, or he liked me a lot and didn't want to be alone, or that I pestered him about getting married, or a million other things, but never that he could really, truly love me.

There are a lot of things that are uncertain this Christmas, so I am anxious, but that isn't the worst of it. I am scared I am going to lose what I have. That is just silly. I might lose my possessions, but not those who love me. There is also a lot of unhappiness this Christmas, in the lives of others. First, a dear friend is mourning the loss of his beautiful bride. She had been sick but that doesn't make it any easier. Then, my husband's family is spending their first Christmas without his grandfather, and several family members have serious health concerns.  Then, there is a member of my own family with his own issues, and I can't help. It pains me that I can't.

I should be happy but I can't. That's the problem with mental illness, you just can't sometimes. And today, I can't. Pray for me friend. Merry Christmas, may yours be full of hope and love.

Peace, Love, and STOP BULLYING.

I am posting this for anyone who isn't a Facebook friend, who may stumble upon this blog. I will have a civil discussion with anyone who chooses, but will not tolerate hate.

I see a lot of things on Facebook that make me angry. I see a lot of people that post hatred and violence against a group because of race, size, religion, etc. Many of the posts are done in religious pretext. This is why so many people turn their backs on religion and God. My Bible instructs me to love my neighbor, and specifically "Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times? Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven. Therefore is the kingdom of heaven likened unto a certain king, which would take account of his servants" (Matthew 21-23). My loving God teaches me that forgiveness is my job, judgment is His. Some of you do this in the name of the USA, but wasn't the US originally a land for the religiously persecuted according to numerous history books.

Many of you are educated, and some are not, but hate begets hate, and violence begets violence. How can we expect violence to stop if we keep perpetuating it ourselves?

Many people are in favor of abandoning family because they love the wrong people. Isn't that where so many family feuds start? And where does it get people? They miss out on people that love them and family members they never know. Is this okay? Are we teaching our kids that they have to love who we say, or else we won't love them anymore. I guess it is since we are teaching adults that it's okay to kill, maim, or emotionally hurt people because they are the wrong religion.

You can delete me if you want, but I won't be mean to a gay/ lesbian person, Muslim, Baptist, Christian, Agnostic, Atheist, etc. You scream bullying is wrong, but then I see things everyday that teaches people that it's okay to bully people if they are too fat, thin, gay, straight, religious, heathen, rich, poor, root for the wrong team, etc. As long as we don't bully the kids it's okay to bully other adults. You know where our kids learn to bully? From watching the adults.

I lost my cool with a student that was verbally threatening and physically trying to intimidate me. I lost my "class" because of it. I can go back in the spring, but do I want to go back to a school that teaches their students that it is okay to bully the teacher? I really have to think about how badly I need the money.

I am sick of bullying in the name of God, Country, and homespace. Grow up. Learn to live together. Learn to love one another. Peace, love, and happiness. I will side with Quaker teachings and my friends at Hippie Peace Freaks on Facebook. I will not support violence and hatred. I love you all as Christ teaches, but I will not support bigoted views.

I will do it.

After too many years as a smoker, and too many years fat, I am going to make some changes! I am going to treat my body better. I went to a new doctor today specifically to discuss these things. I got a prescription for Chantix, and my insurance covered it 100%. I think that is a sign. It is time to quit.

This is not going to be an easy journey, but it will be well worth it. I have a 10 year old depending on me to see him graduate and have kids. The way I feel physically lately, I won't make it for that. I also have a fiance who believes that we will be married 70 years. I don't know if I will make it 70 weeks if I don't do something to change my health.

A while ago I was strongly addicted to caffeine. I have quit that, why can't I make other lifestyle changes? There is no reason I can't. I have to say I will. I'll try leaves so much room for failure. I have to be positive. I will means if I fail, I get up and start over.

Here's to starting life anew!

It's stuff

I am trying to rid my life of stuff. Not things, but the emotional attachment to stuff. Things that don't matter are stuff. There are things that matter, like Reid, Everett, Xavier, Tyler, my family, friends, and people I care about. There are things that are things, nothing more. Cars, televisions, computers, tablets, etc. can be replaced. Happiness cannot be replaced. Couches, beds, baseball bats, books, etc. are things.

We all spend so much time worrying about our phones, computers, tablets, cars, furniture, brand names of clothes, (insert any other thing here) that we forget to spend quality time with the people we love. We forget the smile of a three year old flinging virtual jellybeans on a phone or tablet is important; the tablet is just stuff.

I have noticed everyone is dependent on some piece of electronics, but not on people anymore. I am included in this "everyone." We take human contact for granted. We take each other for granted. People don't stay together like they used to, I think, because no one really cares about anyone else. People care about status, stuff. I am the exception somewhat to this rule. I care too much about people. It isn't status, but I do care what people think of me somewhat. I want to be liked, to be loved. I have always had unconditional love from my parents, grandparents, and Reid, but they kind of have to love me, or at least should. Until I met Everett, I had never REALLY experienced unconditional love from anyone that didn't have to love me.

Since experiencing unconditional love has made me take stock in the importance of things. When Reid and I were in Wal-mart today a guy "cut" in front of us in line. He only had one thing, and I elected to just let him go. I could have protested for the principle of being first, but it really isn't worth my time. It's stuff. There are things worth being upset about, a sick family member, someone being mean to my child, missing a friend, but having to wait two more minutes at Wal-mart is not one of them.

We need to focus more on the things that matter, and not worry about stuff. God will take care of the stuff for us. He will provide what we need in order to lead healthy happy lives. We only need to put our faith in Him. We don't need to put our faith in STUFF. So here's to getting rid of the stuff in our lives and to focusing on the truly important aspects of this life! I have things that I really like, but they are just things. I must focus on the PEOPLE I really love. God Bless you and your loved ones, may your stuff never come first!

Perfection in marriage is possible, but not what most people think.

If you are friends with me on Facebook, or I regularly text you, then you know that I got engaged recently. I had lots of great comments/ congrats on my upcoming wedding. I did, however, receive one that was a bit odd. My ex-husband said to me "Btw, congratulations. I hope this one works better for you. I hope you have the perfect marriage you've always wanted" I thought about his statement quite a bit, and wondered how I should take it. I simply told him thanks when he said it, but it still made me wonder if he was being sincere. In thinking about it, I thought about what made our marriage bad, and how I have changed.

He is stubborn, as am I, but that in and of itself doesn't make for an imperfect/ bad relationship. Everett is equally as stubborn, if not more at times. Our relationship is the perfect relationship for me because even though we don't always agree and sometimes even argue (the horror), we never say things out of anger to hurt the other. We realize that we are not always going to agree or even say things that we should, but we have never argued without trying to solve the issue. We may argue a while but then we will discuss how we can compromise, or what needs to be done to prevent that particular fight again. We love each other.

Does that mean he no longer does anything to get under my skin or drive me crazy? No, it doesn't, it just means that we deal with it. I do things that annoy him, and make him angry, and we deal with it. That is the difference in a perfect relationship and a visually perfect relationship. If a couple never disagree or fight, then someone's needs are not being met somewhere. Everyone is different, and some days some things bother people that don't bother them other days. Sweeping it under the rug doesn't change anything, it just buries problems.

It isn't easy to deal with things as they come, but we make an effort to change things and deal with them as they need to be dealt with. We also try not to advertise when we have an issue. I am as guilty of that with Chris as any issue we had. He hated that, and I have tried to learn from it. Chris had lots of faults that I couldn't live with, but I think this is one that made him crazy. In my soul searching after our marriage fell apart, I realized that about this, at least, he was right. As an ex-wife, I would like to blame him for all the troubles in our marriage, but we both had faults. The difference in that marriage and the one I will be entering into very soon, is that this time, I am older, I know better, and our love is stronger than Chris and I ever had.

I know that I have to continue to be willing to work on issues as time goes on. I know that people sometimes begin to take advantage of the fact their partner is around. I have learned that life is too short for that. I also have to speak up when I feel taken advantage of in my new life. I don't really foresee that happening, but it does happen when people are together for a while. I also have to keep my temper in check. Having a bad day doesn't mean that Everett is to blame, and I need to learn to communicate what I need when I have one of those days. I am really bad about that. I just get cranky instead of saying "I need a hug, or a break" or whatever it may be.

I also know that Everett is my soul mate (uggg I really hate that phrase, but can't think of how else to say it). I know that he truly loves me and he is my true love. I know now that I never really loved Chris and he never loved me. I loved what he represented to me, and what I expected from him. He loved having someone there for him, and whatever else, but it wasn't really me. He and I never really knew each other. He tells everyone, convincingly I might add, that I am vindictive, but I really am not, I was incredibly mean to him, and whether or not he deserved it, he got to know a very bitter person. He still takes shots at me, and the only reason it hurts is that he doesn't really know me. He hates me. I learned from that too. I have shown Everett the real me. Who I am, who I want to be, and my hopes and dreams. The cool thing is, Everett doesn't get caught up in the superficial things, he loves me no matter what. Sometimes he looks at me like I have lost my mind, but he loves me anyway.

So, we can have a perfect marriage if we communicate. We will not always agree, but in perfect marriages you work on it, you love each other, and you know that the anger and fights will not last forever.

Believing something doesn't make it true. But as a Hippie Phoenix Fairy, I will rise above!

I have recently been accused of being vindictive. Cynical, maybe, vindictive, not at all. I had a discussion with someone who believes they know me in which they said that I was vindictive. They accused me of wanting my son to get close to my boyfriend and forget his father. As much as this person wants to believe that it true it is not.

I do want Reid and Everett to be close. I want Reid to have close relationships with lots of people, including his father. I disagree wholeheartedly with many things his father says and does, but I would never try to discourage their relationship. The main reason is that I don't want Reid to grow up to resent me for making the choices he should be making. I want him to make decisions based on his experiences, not mine.

Another reason I wouldn't do that is well, I just don't care enough about his father to make that sort of effort. Don't get me wrong, I don't want him dead, hurt or otherwise incapacitated, but in general do not care. I was, in this person's defense, once vindictive where Chris was concerned. I cared then, and wanted him to hurt as badly as I did. I am over that.

I have grown as a person. I have sincerely gotten in touch with my inner hippie, and love her! I have also gotten in touch with the wishful, child-like expectations of the world part of me, and she continues to get hurt, but I love her. I have also become the phoenix. I have risen from the ashes of my past, and am becoming a whole new person. God gave me a new life when I was saved, and my environment has taught me that like the Phoenix, I can rise above the crumpled, scared, angry person I used to be.

Before throwing accusations my way, please ensure that they are true. This person says he is a good "reader" of people, well, I want to laugh at him. So many of the people who he trusts, would throw him under the bus in a second. They see through him, and his delusions. I kind of feel sorry for the guy, but like my ex-husband, I just don't care enough about him for that.

The Hippie Phoenix Fairy flies away!

Why I won't talk about the shooting

I know that the events of Friday were tragic, and ALL the people involved need our prayers. I do not want to minimize the tragedy in any way. I want to remind everyone at ATMS in 1992 of the events the day Tricia Mounce was killed. We were tragically changed from that day forward. Willis Gravely walked into the school and fatally stabbed a wonderful young girl. She was his ex-girlfriend and he was a few years older. We were traumatized. The last thing we wanted was our faces plastered on the local media channels. (I remember Cheryl flipping off the News2 camera man). We wanted to be left alone to heal with our school family and friends. We wanted our moms and dads to make it alright. We wanted to go to school and not live in fear that a crazed individual would show up and kill someone.

I don't remember all of the details leading up to the killing, but I seem to remember that the school knew he was a threat and the administration (Ms. Smitherman and Mr. Upchurch) moved Tricia into ISS or the office so she could be securely monitored. They thought he was no longer a threat and moved her back into her regular classroom. Unfortunately, they were wrong. He came into the school, walked into Ms. Pugh's class, and stabbed Tricia. He then left the school and called the police on himself.

From what I understand he died of cancer while in prison, and I do not mourn his death. I am not glad when anyone dies, but I am not mournful of his. I mourn the innocent lives lost Friday in Connecticut, just as I mourn the lives lost at Columbine, and the movie theater in Colorado, Virginia Tech and every other public or school shooting in my lifetime. I mourn the loss of innocent lives from drunk drivers, stupidity, and evil. I do, however, want to give the families and friends room to grieve without me compounding that grief by constantly putting the faces of the lost lives on my Facebook page, supporting the news stories and sensationalism, or by asking how they feel. I know how they feel. They are traumatized, they are heartbroken, and they are mourning the loss of friends and family members. I choose to leave them to grieve in peace and pray for their peace and comfort in Christ.