I have undergone a good bit of life changes lately. In the last year and a half my dysfunctional marriage ended, I have lost jobs (dang economy) and I have forged new relationships, but I have also discovered someone who was always there, just hidden somewhere. Who did I discover? I discovered me. Or at least begun to explore the version of me that I wanted to be.
I have always been a think for yourself kind of person, but in my quest to bring the world peace, I sometimes sacrifice who I am to make others happy. I am learning that life is a balance and sometimes it is really OK to make yourself happy.
This began my realization that I am a hippie. Not a free love pot smoking hippie, but a peace love and happiness sort of hippie. I want to bring people peace, teach love and tolerance, and to see the people I love happy. I believe that we all have our place in this world and that everyone deserves love and happiness, and that no one has the right to take that from another person. But that is for another blog post altogether.
I have also learned to accept the things I cannot change and make the changes in my life that I can. I am having a horrible time with cars right now, but I cannot do anything about that today. I CAN continue to work hard, save money, manage money well, and purchase a car in the future. I guess this is God's way of answering my serenity prayer. I am gaining wisdom and peace not sweating the stuff I cannot change. I am changing the things I can, and letting the rest sort itself out.
I was recently in court with the ex-husband and at one point he said "I know how she is and once she starts she will never let up". My response was "you don't know me at all". I realized that this statement was more true than it had ever been before. I have changed drastically since we split up and certainly since we were married. I am different. I am happy, learning not to be upset by things out of my control and controlling the things I can like my temper, my emotions and my reactions to bad situations. He knows the woman he met, maybe even the one he was married to, but he doesn't know me.
Even the pain has changed. I still have nightmares, but the waking hours are much better. The pain from my marriage and from it ending has finally stopped. He cannot hurt me and the past no longer hurts like it did. That in and of itself is a remarkable feeling. I hope he can say the same thing about me.
I am not who I will be, but I am not who I was. I am heading in the direction I want to go and though the road is difficult, I am learning every day.
