Sunday, December 22, 2013

Sad Christmas

I am having a hard time being happy lately and it is really frustrating. I mean, I have it all. I am financially poor, but I have things money cannot buy. First, I have a son who loves me no matter what. I also have a stepson with that same quality. Each of them are happy to have presents for Christmas, but really don't care about gifts. They know that Christmas is much bigger than commercial products. They are happy when people buy them gifts because they know that people don't have to do that. I am surprised when people buy me gifts because I cannot figure out for the life of me why they would buy me something.

Speaking of not understanding why people do things for me. My self esteem is so low that I cannot figure out for the life of me  why people love me. I tell my reader this (yeah I said reader, I am pretty sure there is only one of you) because I just figured out that my husband loves me. Ok, you can laugh. I know I should have known this already. I mean we dated almost two years before HE proposed. We were engaged ten months and then got married. He makes sweet comments about being his wife 192 times a day and don't even get me started on how often he tells me he loves me. So, how did I not know??? I have no idea how anyone could love me. I told myself that he felt sorry for me, or he liked me a lot and didn't want to be alone, or that I pestered him about getting married, or a million other things, but never that he could really, truly love me.

There are a lot of things that are uncertain this Christmas, so I am anxious, but that isn't the worst of it. I am scared I am going to lose what I have. That is just silly. I might lose my possessions, but not those who love me. There is also a lot of unhappiness this Christmas, in the lives of others. First, a dear friend is mourning the loss of his beautiful bride. She had been sick but that doesn't make it any easier. Then, my husband's family is spending their first Christmas without his grandfather, and several family members have serious health concerns.  Then, there is a member of my own family with his own issues, and I can't help. It pains me that I can't.

I should be happy but I can't. That's the problem with mental illness, you just can't sometimes. And today, I can't. Pray for me friend. Merry Christmas, may yours be full of hope and love.

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Peace, Love, and STOP BULLYING.

I am posting this for anyone who isn't a Facebook friend, who may stumble upon this blog. I will have a civil discussion with anyone who chooses, but will not tolerate hate.

I see a lot of things on Facebook that make me angry. I see a lot of people that post hatred and violence against a group because of race, size, religion, etc. Many of the posts are done in religious pretext. This is why so many people turn their backs on religion and God. My Bible instructs me to love my neighbor, and specifically "Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times? Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven. Therefore is the kingdom of heaven likened unto a certain king, which would take account of his servants" (Matthew 21-23). My loving God teaches me that forgiveness is my job, judgment is His. Some of you do this in the name of the USA, but wasn't the US originally a land for the religiously persecuted according to numerous history books.

Many of you are educated, and some are not, but hate begets hate, and violence begets violence. How can we expect violence to stop if we keep perpetuating it ourselves?

Many people are in favor of abandoning family because they love the wrong people. Isn't that where so many family feuds start? And where does it get people? They miss out on people that love them and family members they never know. Is this okay? Are we teaching our kids that they have to love who we say, or else we won't love them anymore. I guess it is since we are teaching adults that it's okay to kill, maim, or emotionally hurt people because they are the wrong religion.

You can delete me if you want, but I won't be mean to a gay/ lesbian person, Muslim, Baptist, Christian, Agnostic, Atheist, etc. You scream bullying is wrong, but then I see things everyday that teaches people that it's okay to bully people if they are too fat, thin, gay, straight, religious, heathen, rich, poor, root for the wrong team, etc. As long as we don't bully the kids it's okay to bully other adults. You know where our kids learn to bully? From watching the adults.

I lost my cool with a student that was verbally threatening and physically trying to intimidate me. I lost my "class" because of it. I can go back in the spring, but do I want to go back to a school that teaches their students that it is okay to bully the teacher? I really have to think about how badly I need the money.

I am sick of bullying in the name of God, Country, and homespace. Grow up. Learn to live together. Learn to love one another. Peace, love, and happiness. I will side with Quaker teachings and my friends at Hippie Peace Freaks on Facebook. I will not support violence and hatred. I love you all as Christ teaches, but I will not support bigoted views.

Tuesday, July 9, 2013

I will do it.

After too many years as a smoker, and too many years fat, I am going to make some changes! I am going to treat my body better. I went to a new doctor today specifically to discuss these things. I got a prescription for Chantix, and my insurance covered it 100%. I think that is a sign. It is time to quit.

This is not going to be an easy journey, but it will be well worth it. I have a 10 year old depending on me to see him graduate and have kids. The way I feel physically lately, I won't make it for that. I also have a fiance who believes that we will be married 70 years. I don't know if I will make it 70 weeks if I don't do something to change my health.

A while ago I was strongly addicted to caffeine. I have quit that, why can't I make other lifestyle changes? There is no reason I can't. I have to say I will. I'll try leaves so much room for failure. I have to be positive. I will means if I fail, I get up and start over.

Here's to starting life anew!

Sunday, March 17, 2013

It's stuff

I am trying to rid my life of stuff. Not things, but the emotional attachment to stuff. Things that don't matter are stuff. There are things that matter, like Reid, Everett, Xavier, Tyler, my family, friends, and people I care about. There are things that are things, nothing more. Cars, televisions, computers, tablets, etc. can be replaced. Happiness cannot be replaced. Couches, beds, baseball bats, books, etc. are things.

We all spend so much time worrying about our phones, computers, tablets, cars, furniture, brand names of clothes, (insert any other thing here) that we forget to spend quality time with the people we love. We forget the smile of a three year old flinging virtual jellybeans on a phone or tablet is important; the tablet is just stuff.

I have noticed everyone is dependent on some piece of electronics, but not on people anymore. I am included in this "everyone." We take human contact for granted. We take each other for granted. People don't stay together like they used to, I think, because no one really cares about anyone else. People care about status, stuff. I am the exception somewhat to this rule. I care too much about people. It isn't status, but I do care what people think of me somewhat. I want to be liked, to be loved. I have always had unconditional love from my parents, grandparents, and Reid, but they kind of have to love me, or at least should. Until I met Everett, I had never REALLY experienced unconditional love from anyone that didn't have to love me.

Since experiencing unconditional love has made me take stock in the importance of things. When Reid and I were in Wal-mart today a guy "cut" in front of us in line. He only had one thing, and I elected to just let him go. I could have protested for the principle of being first, but it really isn't worth my time. It's stuff. There are things worth being upset about, a sick family member, someone being mean to my child, missing a friend, but having to wait two more minutes at Wal-mart is not one of them.

We need to focus more on the things that matter, and not worry about stuff. God will take care of the stuff for us. He will provide what we need in order to lead healthy happy lives. We only need to put our faith in Him. We don't need to put our faith in STUFF. So here's to getting rid of the stuff in our lives and to focusing on the truly important aspects of this life! I have things that I really like, but they are just things. I must focus on the PEOPLE I really love. God Bless you and your loved ones, may your stuff never come first!