Sunday, December 22, 2013

Sad Christmas

I am having a hard time being happy lately and it is really frustrating. I mean, I have it all. I am financially poor, but I have things money cannot buy. First, I have a son who loves me no matter what. I also have a stepson with that same quality. Each of them are happy to have presents for Christmas, but really don't care about gifts. They know that Christmas is much bigger than commercial products. They are happy when people buy them gifts because they know that people don't have to do that. I am surprised when people buy me gifts because I cannot figure out for the life of me why they would buy me something.

Speaking of not understanding why people do things for me. My self esteem is so low that I cannot figure out for the life of me  why people love me. I tell my reader this (yeah I said reader, I am pretty sure there is only one of you) because I just figured out that my husband loves me. Ok, you can laugh. I know I should have known this already. I mean we dated almost two years before HE proposed. We were engaged ten months and then got married. He makes sweet comments about being his wife 192 times a day and don't even get me started on how often he tells me he loves me. So, how did I not know??? I have no idea how anyone could love me. I told myself that he felt sorry for me, or he liked me a lot and didn't want to be alone, or that I pestered him about getting married, or a million other things, but never that he could really, truly love me.

There are a lot of things that are uncertain this Christmas, so I am anxious, but that isn't the worst of it. I am scared I am going to lose what I have. That is just silly. I might lose my possessions, but not those who love me. There is also a lot of unhappiness this Christmas, in the lives of others. First, a dear friend is mourning the loss of his beautiful bride. She had been sick but that doesn't make it any easier. Then, my husband's family is spending their first Christmas without his grandfather, and several family members have serious health concerns.  Then, there is a member of my own family with his own issues, and I can't help. It pains me that I can't.

I should be happy but I can't. That's the problem with mental illness, you just can't sometimes. And today, I can't. Pray for me friend. Merry Christmas, may yours be full of hope and love.