I often hear of people saying "well, he's off his medicine," or "she quit taking medicine." This can be critical for some people, but does anyone ever stop to ask why someone elects not to be medicated? I suffer from a fairly significant case of depression, anxiety, and PTSD. I also choose not to be medicated, but I have a reason. My non-medicated state does not mean that I am non-treated.
I think that is what most people mean by non-medicated-- non-treated. I have tried countless medications, and they all end with similar results. I either have increased anxiety and become almost incapable of leaving my house (opposite intended effect I know) or I feel nothing. I am no longer depressed (sad), but I no longer care either. I have no anxiety about going out, but there is nothing out I care to see so I don't go. My dog died? Oh, well, crap happens. My friend is having a baby. Yeah, okay, I guess that happens too. I just don't care. Eventually the "I just don't care" becomes I don't care if I am alive. I enter into an almost constant state of suicidal thoughts. I wouldn't try to die, but geez, why stop it? I cannot live like that either. If I had tried one or two I might say keep going. Of the ones listed on verywellmind.com (and no I don't know if that is a great website, but it serves my purpose) I have not tried MAOI's, I think because they interact with my other medication. They aren't a possibility without completely changing my medications and I can't do without one of them. Also, I have tried 2 if not 3 tricyclic antidepressants, and all three increased my PVCs significantly. Next, the site lists SSRIs. I have literally tried all but one of them. I have tried multiple SNRIs as well. The last category lists atypical antidepressants, and like the MAOIs, I will say, I haven't really tried them. I was offered Welbutrin once and my mom almost strangled me. Welbutrin is not good for epileptics. I have tried at least one other of them, with no luck.
When I say that I tried them, I don't mean for one or two weeks or months. I mean, except for Elavil (which increased my heart rate dramatically almost immediately), I would be on them 6-8 months minimum and a few of them 2-3 years with regular med checks and adjustments. The side effects were worse than the depression and anxiety is most days. There lies the problem. Sometimes it isn't worse, but it is rare. This is why I am not nontreated but I am nonmedicated. There are no "happy pills" that can just be taken for rare instances. I have to be proactive and find ways to combat the depression regularly. (I can't take Ativan).
I look for ways to deal with it constantly. I try to exercise and especially get outside time for running/ walking. I also try to manage my diet, environment, and therapy options. I do go to therapy. I work on things outside of therapy. I look for new methods of therapy. I look for ways to minimize the stress and natural anxiety. The bottom line is, I would rather assume you won't read this, no one likes me, and that I am a burden than to feel like life isn't worth living. I can find some joy in life even with these anxieties. Antidepressants take that away. We need to remove the stigma from getting treatment for depression and anxiety, but we also need to empower people to formulate their treatment in whatever manner they see fit. Maybe I will try another medicine one day, but for now, I can't. I just don't want to spend another year wanting to die. I would rather that come in short waves.
***please note that I used non-medicated rather than unmedicated and non-treated rather than untreated for a reason. Unmedicated denotes a need for medicine that isn't present whereas non-medicated indicates a conscious decision not to medicate. The same goes for un or non-treated. I know I need treatment so I am treated. I have made a conscious choice not to medicate due to side effects.
