Not too long ago the ex-husband asked how I could reconcile getting remarried when I was adamant that I don't believe in divorce. He also pointed out that I obviously went back on my word. I have thought long and hard about that lately, and I don't want to get into the psychological reasons why. Just suffice it to say, yes, he got under my skin. I hate to admit it, but I will.
Do I suddenly believe in divorce? Well, believe in and stand for are different. We are quick to say we don't believe in something when we know full well it exists. I believe in divorce, yes. In the sense that I believe that divorce exists. Just as I believe in abuse. Abuse exists, I believe that. I do not stand for either. I do not believe either are solutions to problems. I believe abuse is a never resort to practice for me, and divorce is a very last resort.
I tried for thirteen years to hold a marriage together that was doomed from the beginning. Why do I say it was doomed? Because I believe in free will. I believe that God has chosen a soul mate for each of us. (By the way I think the phrase soul mate is kind of hokey, so if you have another description, please let me know). I also think that there are those out there that we are compatible with in different ways. Those that we are meant to have relationships of some sort with, but not marriages. I think that Chris and I were meant to create Reid. He was meant to be, but we were not. I believe he is meant for greatness, but I am his mommy, what else am I going to think?
I think things could have been done differently and Chris and I should have been friends. He used to be easy to talk to, and he knows a lot about me, but I could never really open up to him the way I can with Everett. I have been able to open up with Everett since day one. Is our relationship perfect? Absolutely not. We argue, we have differing opinions, sometimes we act like children. We are human.
Love is easier with him though. I don't feel afraid with him. I am not afraid he is just going to walk out. Do I worry about losing him? Yes, of course I do, I have little to no self esteem and hold him in very high esteem. Do I know that he loves me unconditionally? Yes. He has seen me at my best and seen me at my lowest and loves me anyway. Will I rush to divorce him? NO. Do I think I will ever divorce him? NO. Does anyone enter a marriage thinking they will get divorced? I really don't think so, otherwise, why do it?? But I can't imagine an occurrence that would rip us apart. So, back to the question of how do I reconcile remarriage with divorce if I don't stand for divorce? I think I didn't marry my soul mate the first time. I also think that it wasn't God's plan for us to be together. And lastly, I did everything I could to make it work. I tried for 13 years. I didn't rush into divorce. I tried counseling. I tried conforming to his wishes and pushing mine aside. I tried self help books. I tried ignoring the problem. I tried it all. In the world of 45 day celebrity marriages, I think thirteen years of trying should buy me a little credit. Especially given what we put each other through. I also know that I would never do the things to Everett that I did to Chris. Furthermore, I know that Everett would never do the things to me that Chris did. I am a different person. Don't judge me by my past I don't live there anymore.