Sunday, December 30, 2012

Perfection in marriage is possible, but not what most people think.

If you are friends with me on Facebook, or I regularly text you, then you know that I got engaged recently. I had lots of great comments/ congrats on my upcoming wedding. I did, however, receive one that was a bit odd. My ex-husband said to me "Btw, congratulations. I hope this one works better for you. I hope you have the perfect marriage you've always wanted" I thought about his statement quite a bit, and wondered how I should take it. I simply told him thanks when he said it, but it still made me wonder if he was being sincere. In thinking about it, I thought about what made our marriage bad, and how I have changed.

He is stubborn, as am I, but that in and of itself doesn't make for an imperfect/ bad relationship. Everett is equally as stubborn, if not more at times. Our relationship is the perfect relationship for me because even though we don't always agree and sometimes even argue (the horror), we never say things out of anger to hurt the other. We realize that we are not always going to agree or even say things that we should, but we have never argued without trying to solve the issue. We may argue a while but then we will discuss how we can compromise, or what needs to be done to prevent that particular fight again. We love each other.

Does that mean he no longer does anything to get under my skin or drive me crazy? No, it doesn't, it just means that we deal with it. I do things that annoy him, and make him angry, and we deal with it. That is the difference in a perfect relationship and a visually perfect relationship. If a couple never disagree or fight, then someone's needs are not being met somewhere. Everyone is different, and some days some things bother people that don't bother them other days. Sweeping it under the rug doesn't change anything, it just buries problems.

It isn't easy to deal with things as they come, but we make an effort to change things and deal with them as they need to be dealt with. We also try not to advertise when we have an issue. I am as guilty of that with Chris as any issue we had. He hated that, and I have tried to learn from it. Chris had lots of faults that I couldn't live with, but I think this is one that made him crazy. In my soul searching after our marriage fell apart, I realized that about this, at least, he was right. As an ex-wife, I would like to blame him for all the troubles in our marriage, but we both had faults. The difference in that marriage and the one I will be entering into very soon, is that this time, I am older, I know better, and our love is stronger than Chris and I ever had.

I know that I have to continue to be willing to work on issues as time goes on. I know that people sometimes begin to take advantage of the fact their partner is around. I have learned that life is too short for that. I also have to speak up when I feel taken advantage of in my new life. I don't really foresee that happening, but it does happen when people are together for a while. I also have to keep my temper in check. Having a bad day doesn't mean that Everett is to blame, and I need to learn to communicate what I need when I have one of those days. I am really bad about that. I just get cranky instead of saying "I need a hug, or a break" or whatever it may be.

I also know that Everett is my soul mate (uggg I really hate that phrase, but can't think of how else to say it). I know that he truly loves me and he is my true love. I know now that I never really loved Chris and he never loved me. I loved what he represented to me, and what I expected from him. He loved having someone there for him, and whatever else, but it wasn't really me. He and I never really knew each other. He tells everyone, convincingly I might add, that I am vindictive, but I really am not, I was incredibly mean to him, and whether or not he deserved it, he got to know a very bitter person. He still takes shots at me, and the only reason it hurts is that he doesn't really know me. He hates me. I learned from that too. I have shown Everett the real me. Who I am, who I want to be, and my hopes and dreams. The cool thing is, Everett doesn't get caught up in the superficial things, he loves me no matter what. Sometimes he looks at me like I have lost my mind, but he loves me anyway.

So, we can have a perfect marriage if we communicate. We will not always agree, but in perfect marriages you work on it, you love each other, and you know that the anger and fights will not last forever.

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