Confessions: I can't be hurt by accusations

Let me preface this by saying if you are going to use any of the information here to hurt me or run your mouth to someone who may not know, STOP READING now. But this is a public blog, you say? Yes, it is, but there are people in my life who will not have access to it, and I would like to protect them and keep it as information they do not know. (Grandmothers for instance, who are too old to deal with it, so keep it to yourself).

After my post yesterday, Chris threatened to expose me for the mistakes I have made. If any of you are perfect STOP READING NOW. I have never met anyone who has never made a mistake, so if it changes how you feel about me, well, you were never a true friend to begin with. I will go accusation by accusation and explain what I can.

Accusation 1. I am a total bitch/ psychopath. Yeah, maybe a bitch, but psychopath, NO! I do have issues with anger management, but I am dealing with them. If I were a psychopath, I would have become a serial killer by now. I would have killed those who enraged me. I have no literal skeletons anywhere. I could not take the life of another. I do see a therapist, but my diagnosis is PTSD and chronic depressive state with anxiety disorder.

Accusation 2. I am mentally unstable. Well, that is a half-truth. Chris' assumption is that I am bipolar, but my therapist says that I'm not. Who do you think is more qualified to make that diagnosis? See diagnosis above, bipolar disorder has never been discussed. I was afraid of that being the diagnosis years ago, but the psychologist I was seeing assured me that this was not the case. The PTSD is a direct result of being in an emotionally/ psychologically/ sexually abusive relationship with Chris. The sexual abuse was NOT aggressive rape, but sexual manipulation, which lends to the psychological abuse, and the emotional abuse was a part of that too. I had the power to get out a long time ago, and didn't. That is my fault. The chronic depressive state/ anxiety disorder is also linked to the PTSD. I am working on this in therapy and currently on medication. So, sure, I am mentally ill, but I recognize it and am getting treatment.

Accusation 3. I was dating my boyfriend before I separated from Chris. Well, you see that is impossible. I did not meet him until 10 days AFTER Chris finally moved out. FYI he was asked to leave 13 days before he finally left, he just wouldn't go. You are welcome to check phone/ computer records. I really don't mind. You will see the first contact by phone/ computer was not until 16 days after Chris moved out. So, I don't see how I was dating someone I had never spoken to before then. I met him one Friday, no numbers were exchanged, he asked me to return the following Friday, I did, we exchanged numbers that night, and my life drastically improved after that.

Accusation 4. I have had nasty fights with my family. Yep, were they all someone's fault other than mine? NOPE. Were they all my fault? NOPE. Are we family and worked things out? YEP. Is it anyone's business but my family? NOPE. Is it the reason Reid is in therapy? Partially. He has always exhibited high anxiety, which increased after the separation and again after family fights. Would he be in therapy without the fights? YEP.

Accusation 5. I am a criminal. HMMMMM another half truth. This is the one I am least proud of. I have had a couple of arrests. Did they ALL result in conviction, NOPE. Do they hinder my job search, YEP. Were they all in direct response to something CHRIS said or did? YEP. Were they my fault. Well, to some extent. I made the decisions to say or do things that resulted in arrests, but with the PTSD/ Anxiety/ Anger management troubles, I was under a great deal of stress, and reacted in ways I normally wouldn't. So, I am not perfect. I have never spent more than one night in jail and no charges could have ever resulted in ACTUAL jail time. They were all the lowest class of misdemeanors and it isn't even possible to serve jail time with no more arrests then I have.

Accusation 6. I have spent time in a mental institution. NOPE. I went to Charter Pines after the first time Chris cheated on me to find someone to talk to. I had no insurance, and wasn't sure what to do. They wanted me to stay OVERNIGHT for observation because I was so distraught. They released me without an overnight stay when I agreed NOT to go home to CHRIS. They suggested I see a therapist in my area and gave me a list of places to call with sliding fee scales. They also suggested a REEVALUATION of my MARRIAGE. HMMMMM, sounds like even then I should have left him. Oh well.

So now you know all my dirty little secrets. Does it change who I am inside? NOPE. Does it shape what my goals are? YEP. Comments are welcome, but remember I have exposed my innermost secrets, be gentle.